Абе, тоя дофтор гъбарка ли се с нашего брата?
500 грама ракия, стигат за развеселяване само...
Да поспамим още малко ;) - They come in great numbers!
Moderator: Moridin
Една бутилка бяло вино само за ме-е-ен! 
Това ме прави щастлива като...мида.
P.S. Много съм доволна днес от всички вас. Писахте, писахте, писахте. А то иначе човек остава с впечатлението, че нашият мил роден форум е тежко болен...
Това ме прави щастлива като...мида. P.S. Много съм доволна днес от всички вас. Писахте, писахте, писахте. А то иначе човек остава с впечатлението, че нашият мил роден форум е тежко болен...
"Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby..."
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby..."
-
Dilvish the Damned
- Paragon
- Posts: 642
- Joined: Tue May 11, 2004 10:39 am
How to harass the police and be cool
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say "No, my speedometer only goes to 180... "
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him "I just wanted to see if mine was bigger!"
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first..."
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him "Sorry, I just ate the last one!"
21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say "I thought the name sounded familiar..."
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
31. Act like you are retarded.
32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
33. Mumble to yourself.
34. When he tells you to stop, say "What are you talkin about, DUDE?"
35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say "Hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight..."
36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
37. When he comes to the car, say "Hey, I've got a badge just like yours!"
38. Ask if he watches Cops.
39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
40. Giggle if he did.
41. Talk to your hand.
42. Ask if he knows some one named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
44. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot!", and grin.
45. When he asks to inspect your car, say "There is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it..."
46. Try to sell him your car.
47. Ask if you can buy his car.
48. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
49. Play with the siren.
50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner
52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.
53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
57. Turn your head and whistle.
58. When he pulls out his night stick, say "What you gonna do with that?"
59. If you are female, say "I don't do that on the first date!"
60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
62. Tell him you like men in uniform.
63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say "No, my speedometer only goes to 180... "
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him "I just wanted to see if mine was bigger!"
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that.
17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first..."
18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him "Sorry, I just ate the last one!"
21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
23. Trip and fall into him.
24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
26. Chew on the pen, nervously.
27. Clean your ear with the pen.
28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say "I thought the name sounded familiar..."
30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
31. Act like you are retarded.
32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
33. Mumble to yourself.
34. When he tells you to stop, say "What are you talkin about, DUDE?"
35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say "Hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight..."
36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
37. When he comes to the car, say "Hey, I've got a badge just like yours!"
38. Ask if he watches Cops.
39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
40. Giggle if he did.
41. Talk to your hand.
42. Ask if he knows some one named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
44. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot!", and grin.
45. When he asks to inspect your car, say "There is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it..."
46. Try to sell him your car.
47. Ask if you can buy his car.
48. If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
49. Play with the siren.
50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner
52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.
53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
57. Turn your head and whistle.
58. When he pulls out his night stick, say "What you gonna do with that?"
59. If you are female, say "I don't do that on the first date!"
60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
62. Tell him you like men in uniform.
63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
-
Dilvish the Damned
- Paragon
- Posts: 642
- Joined: Tue May 11, 2004 10:39 am
Home Office (London, UK)
To: the People of America
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1.
a) You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
b)The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
c) You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
d) You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
e) There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2.
a) There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
b) The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3.
a)You should learn to distinguish the British and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. British accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
b) You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4.
a) Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast British actors to play British characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5.
a)You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6.
a) You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
b) Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
c) You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7.
a) You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
b) The Russians have never been the bad guys.
c) "Merde" is French for "Shit".
d) You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8.
a) July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9.
a) All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
b) All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
c) You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10.
a) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
b) The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.
c) Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11.
a) As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12.
a) The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
b) The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Ceskй Budejovicй a.k.a. Budweis, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13.
a) From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
b) The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14.
a) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15.
a) Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.
source: http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/ukhomeoffice.cfm
To: the People of America
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1.
a) You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
b)The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
c) You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
d) You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
e) There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2.
a) There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
b) The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3.
a)You should learn to distinguish the British and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. British accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
b) You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4.
a) Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast British actors to play British characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5.
a)You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6.
a) You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
b) Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
c) You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7.
a) You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
b) The Russians have never been the bad guys.
c) "Merde" is French for "Shit".
d) You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8.
a) July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9.
a) All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
b) All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
c) You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10.
a) You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
b) The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.
c) Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11.
a) As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12.
a) The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
b) The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Ceskй Budejovicй a.k.a. Budweis, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13.
a) From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
b) The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14.
a) You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15.
a) Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.
source: http://www.sunbelt-software.com/stu/ukhomeoffice.cfm
Какво ли не прави анимето с хората, включително и с известните личности 
Я вижте това. Случайно го намерих и ... ами щях да падна под стола като го видях
.
http://elayne.hit.bg/adrienbrody.jpg
Е може ли такава прилика?
Я вижте това. Случайно го намерих и ... ами щях да падна под стола като го видях
. http://elayne.hit.bg/adrienbrody.jpg
Е може ли такава прилика?
I dont care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When Im not around
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When Im not around
-
armageddon
- Forsaken
- Posts: 2936
- Joined: Tue Jan 13, 2004 10:24 am
Summary of Alexander the Movie!
[Shot of Alexander dying. Ring dropping. Banner swinging. Everything in slow motion.]
-----------
[Flash forward 40 years later...]
Ptolemy [Old]: It was a sad time.
Scribe: Yes, milord.
Ptolemy [Old]: Let me take you back to the beginning.
Scribe: Yes, milord.
-----------
[Flash back 55 years earlier...]
Philip: I'm drunk and Irish! Make love to me woman!
Olympias: No! I'm crazy and Russian!
Alexander: But you're both Greeks. Supposedly.
Philip: Alexander, don't think yer so high and mighty - you're not the pope!
Olympias: No, he is my leetle bauble of joy. My leetle Grrreek sahn.
-------------
[Flash forward 55 years later...]
Ptolemy [Old]: But then things REALLY got interesting...
Scribe: Yes, milord.
Ptolemy: You see...
-----------
[Flash back 55 years.]
Alexander [15]: I must wrestle you Hephaeston.
Hephaeston: [15] Yes, wrestle my brains out!
Alexander [15]: Are we gay?
Hephaeston [15]: Don't ask, don't tell. But hint.
-----------
Philip: Listen to yer Irish father, lad. Don't ya be ridin' that horse like you think you're the pope. No man livin' can ride that...
Alexander [15]: I'm riding it! Whee!!
Philip: Well, top of the mornin' to ya.
-----------
Philip: Listen to yer Irish father, lad. Don't be like Oedipus and try to have sex with yer mother.
Alexander: Can I ambiguously hint at it?
Philip: Only if you also hint at being gay, but never kiss a man.
Alexander: Done.
-------------
[Flash forward 55 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: But then Hephaeston bought a shimmering new red robe....
Scribe: Yes, milord.
----------
[Flash back 35 years.]
Olympias [Looking 30]: Alexander, I am your mother. And you are a young man of 19. My leetle babushka.
Alexander [Looking 30]: Yes, mother. I am but a young lad of 19.
-----------
[Flash forward 35 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: Then Alexander feathered his hair just so...
Scribe: Yes, milord.
------------
[Flash back 35 years.]
Alexander: Greeks! We have fought many wars.
Greeks: We have?
Alexander: [Shouting] THIS IS OUR MOMENT OF GREATNESS!! AHHHH!!!
Greeks: Our moment?
Alexander: Well, mine. Charge!
[They charge.]
Alexander: Turn right!
[They turn right.]
Alexander: Now veer left!
[They veer left.]
Alexander: Now pause!
[They pause.]
Alexander: Now charge again!
[They charge again.]
Darius: I need to go fix my fake black beard.
[Darius retreats.]
-----------
[Flash forward 35 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: Where was I?
Scribe: I wasn't listening.
Ptolemy [Old]: Life was good back then. Alexander was welcomed as a hero.
Scribe: Why?
Ptolemy [Old]: Because he has a blonde-highlighted wig and a nice smile. Now, back to my rambling. Alexander needed a wife...
-----------
[Flash back 35 years.]
Alexander: I like how she dances.
Hephaeston: Oh, that's a bunch of s***.
Alexander: Hephy! Don't be that way.
Hephaeston: Are we gay?
Alexander: Let me answer that question like this. Bagoas, come hither, my eunich slave boy.
-----------
[Flash forward 35 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: ...so that's how I learned to juggle.
Scribe: Yes, milord.
-----------
[Flash back 35 years.]
Roxane: [Attempted "Persian" accent] You ....lahv.... heem?
Alexander: Roxane, maybe it's best if you were just naked and silent.
Hephaeston: Oh, he says the same thing to me, sister.
Alexander: Shut up.
----------
Olympias: I am a snake. Sssss.
Alexander: I am a lion: Roar.
Roxane: I am a fake Persian. Heelo.
Olympias: It's fun being fake. My leetle darlink.
----------
[Flash back 5 years.]
Philip: [Dying.] Listen to your one-eyed Irish father, lad. Don't die like I did. Run away.
Olympias: Eet is too bad you lost your father, my leetle nogoodnik.
----------
[Flash forward 5 years.]
Alexander: Noooooo!!
Roxane: What is wrong?
Alexander: I was just thinking about women and sex and my mother.
------------
[Flash forward 40 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: The End.
Scribe: Really? Thank God.
Ptolemy [Old]: Just kidding.
Scribe: Damn it.
------------
[Flash back thirty five years.]
Greeks: [Shouting] ALEXANDER, WE DEMAND A REST!!
Alexander: [Shouting] AND YOU SHALL HAVE ONE. AFTER THIS BATTLE WITH ELEPHANTS.
Greeks: Great. Thanks.
---------
Alexander: [Shouting] SLOW-MOTION ELEPHANT DUEL! AHHHH!!
Elephant: [Bellowing] NEEEEE!!!!
Buchaphalus: [Neighing] NEEEEE!!!!
----------
Alexander: [Waking up.] Did...did I win the elephant duel?
Ptolemy [Young]: No.
-----------
Alexander [Shouting]: HOW DARE YOU GREEKS RESIST MY CALL FOR MORE BATTLE? AHHHH!
Greeks [Shouting]: HOW DARE YOU MAKE US BATTLE FOREVER!! AHHHH!
Scottish Soldier: Alexander, you knu we luv yu, bet we ned ur homes un wives.
Alexander: Well said, William Wallace. We shall return home. After a march through the desert.
---------
Hephaeston: I'm dying.
Alexander: Hephy, what do you see as you die?
Hephaeston: A giant blue shape of an eagle for some reason. And a banner swinging back and forth.
Alexander: Hey, you're right. Pretty slow motion banner, mixed with blue eagle.
------------
[Flash forward 40 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: The End.
Scribe: I want my money back.
Powered by Isam
[Shot of Alexander dying. Ring dropping. Banner swinging. Everything in slow motion.]
-----------
[Flash forward 40 years later...]
Ptolemy [Old]: It was a sad time.
Scribe: Yes, milord.
Ptolemy [Old]: Let me take you back to the beginning.
Scribe: Yes, milord.
-----------
[Flash back 55 years earlier...]
Philip: I'm drunk and Irish! Make love to me woman!
Olympias: No! I'm crazy and Russian!
Alexander: But you're both Greeks. Supposedly.
Philip: Alexander, don't think yer so high and mighty - you're not the pope!
Olympias: No, he is my leetle bauble of joy. My leetle Grrreek sahn.
-------------
[Flash forward 55 years later...]
Ptolemy [Old]: But then things REALLY got interesting...
Scribe: Yes, milord.
Ptolemy: You see...
-----------
[Flash back 55 years.]
Alexander [15]: I must wrestle you Hephaeston.
Hephaeston: [15] Yes, wrestle my brains out!
Alexander [15]: Are we gay?
Hephaeston [15]: Don't ask, don't tell. But hint.
-----------
Philip: Listen to yer Irish father, lad. Don't ya be ridin' that horse like you think you're the pope. No man livin' can ride that...
Alexander [15]: I'm riding it! Whee!!
Philip: Well, top of the mornin' to ya.
-----------
Philip: Listen to yer Irish father, lad. Don't be like Oedipus and try to have sex with yer mother.
Alexander: Can I ambiguously hint at it?
Philip: Only if you also hint at being gay, but never kiss a man.
Alexander: Done.
-------------
[Flash forward 55 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: But then Hephaeston bought a shimmering new red robe....
Scribe: Yes, milord.
----------
[Flash back 35 years.]
Olympias [Looking 30]: Alexander, I am your mother. And you are a young man of 19. My leetle babushka.
Alexander [Looking 30]: Yes, mother. I am but a young lad of 19.
-----------
[Flash forward 35 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: Then Alexander feathered his hair just so...
Scribe: Yes, milord.
------------
[Flash back 35 years.]
Alexander: Greeks! We have fought many wars.
Greeks: We have?
Alexander: [Shouting] THIS IS OUR MOMENT OF GREATNESS!! AHHHH!!!
Greeks: Our moment?
Alexander: Well, mine. Charge!
[They charge.]
Alexander: Turn right!
[They turn right.]
Alexander: Now veer left!
[They veer left.]
Alexander: Now pause!
[They pause.]
Alexander: Now charge again!
[They charge again.]
Darius: I need to go fix my fake black beard.
[Darius retreats.]
-----------
[Flash forward 35 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: Where was I?
Scribe: I wasn't listening.
Ptolemy [Old]: Life was good back then. Alexander was welcomed as a hero.
Scribe: Why?
Ptolemy [Old]: Because he has a blonde-highlighted wig and a nice smile. Now, back to my rambling. Alexander needed a wife...
-----------
[Flash back 35 years.]
Alexander: I like how she dances.
Hephaeston: Oh, that's a bunch of s***.
Alexander: Hephy! Don't be that way.
Hephaeston: Are we gay?
Alexander: Let me answer that question like this. Bagoas, come hither, my eunich slave boy.
-----------
[Flash forward 35 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: ...so that's how I learned to juggle.
Scribe: Yes, milord.
-----------
[Flash back 35 years.]
Roxane: [Attempted "Persian" accent] You ....lahv.... heem?
Alexander: Roxane, maybe it's best if you were just naked and silent.
Hephaeston: Oh, he says the same thing to me, sister.
Alexander: Shut up.
----------
Olympias: I am a snake. Sssss.
Alexander: I am a lion: Roar.
Roxane: I am a fake Persian. Heelo.
Olympias: It's fun being fake. My leetle darlink.
----------
[Flash back 5 years.]
Philip: [Dying.] Listen to your one-eyed Irish father, lad. Don't die like I did. Run away.
Olympias: Eet is too bad you lost your father, my leetle nogoodnik.
----------
[Flash forward 5 years.]
Alexander: Noooooo!!
Roxane: What is wrong?
Alexander: I was just thinking about women and sex and my mother.
------------
[Flash forward 40 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: The End.
Scribe: Really? Thank God.
Ptolemy [Old]: Just kidding.
Scribe: Damn it.
------------
[Flash back thirty five years.]
Greeks: [Shouting] ALEXANDER, WE DEMAND A REST!!
Alexander: [Shouting] AND YOU SHALL HAVE ONE. AFTER THIS BATTLE WITH ELEPHANTS.
Greeks: Great. Thanks.
---------
Alexander: [Shouting] SLOW-MOTION ELEPHANT DUEL! AHHHH!!
Elephant: [Bellowing] NEEEEE!!!!
Buchaphalus: [Neighing] NEEEEE!!!!
----------
Alexander: [Waking up.] Did...did I win the elephant duel?
Ptolemy [Young]: No.
-----------
Alexander [Shouting]: HOW DARE YOU GREEKS RESIST MY CALL FOR MORE BATTLE? AHHHH!
Greeks [Shouting]: HOW DARE YOU MAKE US BATTLE FOREVER!! AHHHH!
Scottish Soldier: Alexander, you knu we luv yu, bet we ned ur homes un wives.
Alexander: Well said, William Wallace. We shall return home. After a march through the desert.
---------
Hephaeston: I'm dying.
Alexander: Hephy, what do you see as you die?
Hephaeston: A giant blue shape of an eagle for some reason. And a banner swinging back and forth.
Alexander: Hey, you're right. Pretty slow motion banner, mixed with blue eagle.
------------
[Flash forward 40 years.]
Ptolemy [Old]: The End.
Scribe: I want my money back.
Powered by Isam
http://www.bluegeckolounge.com/imdb/pss.html - доста се постреснах. Тъкмо прочетох книгата Perdido Street Station, направих google search и намирам аз това, което уж е линк към IMDB, за филм по книгата с Аштън Кътчър и режисьорът на "Мумията". Олекна като разбрах, че е изпипан майтап.
Ridcully: "A few twenty-mile runs and the Dean'd be a different man."
Bursar: "Well, yes. He'd be dead."
Ridcully: "He'd be healthy."
Bursar: "Yes, but still dead."
Bursar: "Well, yes. He'd be dead."
Ridcully: "He'd be healthy."
Bursar: "Yes, but still dead."
Пускам и тук безумието, на което попаднах на форума на bgdev.org:
Това е оригиналният сайт. А това е жалкото му копие, където дори не са си направили труда да махнат от сорса: <!-- saved from url=(0031)http://www.reliancehosting.com/ -->
Да не говорим за безбройните правописни грешки.
На това се казва безочливост.
Това е оригиналният сайт. А това е жалкото му копие, където дори не са си направили труда да махнат от сорса: <!-- saved from url=(0031)http://www.reliancehosting.com/ -->
Да не говорим за безбройните правописни грешки.
На това се казва безочливост.
-
Dilvish the Damned
- Paragon
- Posts: 642
- Joined: Tue May 11, 2004 10:39 am
Haiku:
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages from Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--------------------------------------------
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages from Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--------------------------------------------
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests