Филмови бъзици

Филми, бре, филми... Джена Джеймсън, Трейси Лордс – we have them all!

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Roland
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Филмови бъзици

Post by Roland » Mon Oct 05, 2009 2:36 am

И тъй, това е тема за всякакви ебавки на филмова тематика - клипове, коментари от други места, ревюта-ебавки, кретенски синопсиси, квото ви хрумне.

Има две правила:

1. Винаги слагайте едно SPOILER в началото на поста си, ако той ще съдържа спойлери за филма, за който се отнася.

2. Винаги, когато е възможно, пускайте нещото директно тук, и ползвайте линкове само когато не е.
And you can't dance with a devil on your back...

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Post by Roland » Mon Oct 05, 2009 2:43 am

Давам тон с един списък много яки ебавки с 30 Days of Night, който е един изключително ПРОСТ филм... Мисля, че е пускано вече тук, но не пречи пак.


SPOILERS. MASSIVE!


Things I Learned from Watching 30 Days of Night :

1. Apparently it is not unusual in Alaska to have a 65 year old grandma and a 15 year old younger brother, but be old enough to have an almost ex-wife and be a well-respected sheriff. (Seriously, how old was Eben supposed to be?)

2. Sheriffs will not detect that a loved one grows and smokes weed until they find a baggy in their desk.

3. Alaskan asthma is very tricky, and will never strike when it logically should.

4. Eben runs faster than cars.

5. Eben runs faster than vampires.

6. Eben is a pro at shooting up with vampire blood.

7. When someone becomes a crispy critter in your arms, you will not get burned.

8. Idiotic plans will always be successful so long as Stella believes in you.

9. No matter how strong the head vampire is, a freshly turned vampire can punch a giant hole through his head.

10. Eben has a lot of psychological issues relating to "family".

11. People who have cancer should plan on staying in a dark, remote town for 30 days.

12. Only the lead vampire and the recently turned will look like humans; all other vampires will look deformed.

13. If you see a little girl eating a dead body, don't tell the hero he'll be fighting a little girl. It's funnier to watch him miss.

14. If you have an awesome vehicle that kills a ton of vampires, your best bet is to drive it into a building.

15. Always check that you have dynamite, and not flares, before attempting to blow yourself up.

16. If you find that you've been vampirified, you should ask to be killed instead of trying to fight; you're dead either way, so you may as well just lay down and die, right?

17. Young girls can survive anything if they're all alone and completely covered in yuck. (See also: Newt from Aliens)

18. Even though you've developed a complicated vampire language, sometimes it's just more fun to shriek.

19. Vampires are very sloppy eaters.

20. Vampires are really bad at ransacking a town.

21. Vampires are not coordinated enough to get past a swing set.

22. Vampire ears cannot hear any noise from walkie-talkies.

23. Vampires will only fight if they have a ringleader; otherwise they will sulk off into the night.

24. Almost every vampire has a twin.

25. Little girl vampires are the only ones to speak English.

26. Little girl vampires draw inspiration from Chucky, but aren't nearly as menacing.

27. It takes a village to decapitate a child.

28. Marlow is quite a philosopher and used to write for "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy.

29. No female survivor in Barrow got her period for at least 30 days.

30. Dead bodies will keep for 30 days without creating an awful vampire-attracting stench.

31. Survivors will keep for 30 days without creating an awful vampire-attracting stench.

32. Decapitations make movie-goers laugh.

33. Having your arm cut off is much more painful than having your throat torn out.

34. If you shoot someone and they don't die, they must be on PCP.

35. If you shoot someone in the chest and they don't die, you should shoot them again in the same spot instead of shooting them in the head.

Finally, and most obviously:
36. If it can be broken, it must be broken. Thank god I know that now!
And you can't dance with a devil on your back...

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Post by Vivian » Mon Oct 05, 2009 10:21 pm

The 10 Worst Movies to Open at #1

10. Die Another Day
Release Date: November 22, 2002

Opening Weekend Box Office: $47,072,040

Here’s an idea of how bad this movie was: it was the highest-grossing James Bond film ever, and instead of following it up with a fast-tracked sequel, they ended up rebooting the whole franchise and recasting the main character.

So what sunk the film? Things didn’t exactly start well: in the beginning of the movie, Bond gets captured for seven months (what? Why couldn’t he escape after fifteen minutes like in every other movie?), and we see scenes from his captivity to the tune of a horribly synthesized theme song by Madonna.

Then we’re introduced to the bad guy, a North Korean who undergoes reconstructive surgery to become a prissy-looking Englishman. Really. And then there was the infamous invisible car. Sure, there was Halle Berry in a swimsuit, but when you can see Halle Berry naked outright in a bunch of other movies, who cares?


9. Pearl Harbor
Release Date: May 25, 2001

Opening Weekend Box Office: $59,078,912

And old-fashioned love story set against the attack on Pearl Harbor? Sadly, this wasn’t another From Here to Eternity. Instead, it was nominated for six Razzies, failed to break the $200 million mark following its big opening, and basically ruined Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett’s legitimacy for years to come. It was even one of Cuba Gooding Jr.’s lesser movies, which is saying something.


8. The Village
Release Date: July 30, 2004

Opening Weekend Box Office: $50,746,142

To be totally honest, we’re including The Village on here simply because we hate all things M. Night Shymalan(a-ding-dong). But since you can’t really dog on Sixth Sense too much, and since Signs at least had aliens in it, we’ll leave that one be, as well. The Village, however, is by far Shymalan’s most contrived piece of crap ever to hit the big screen. The plot, the premise, the hook and the ending – none of it made a lick of sense if given any thought whatsoever. And to really add to its eternal suckitude, the whole thing was stolen from a kid’s book, Running Out of Time, which revolves around a village whose inhabitants believe it’s the 1800s, when it’s actually 1996. WEAK!

7. Norbit
Release Date: February 9, 2007

Opening Weekend Box Office: $34,195,434

In early 2008, Eddie Murphy was riding high: he was in the blockbuster musical Dreamgirls and was the frontrunner to win the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for it.

But then a little movie called Norbit came out, starring Eddie Murphy in three roles. And to give you an idea of just how offensively bad the movie was, Murphy playing a man named “Mr. Wong” is not the low point. No, the low point would be the movie’s sadistic villain, Rasputia, a three-hundred-pound woman, also played by Murphy. The Oscar went to Alan Arkin.


6. Batman and Robin
Release Date: June 20, 1997

Opening Weekend Box Office: $42,872,605

Or, the movie that destroyed the Batman franchise. When you think about it positively, Batman Begins and The Dark Knight only ever happened thanks to the complete and utter creative failure of Batman and Robin. But what a complete and utter creative failure it was. It made it to #1 thanks to the success of the cheesy-but-entertaining Batman Forever, and ended up grossing about $60 million less. Nipples on the Batsuit? Weird gratuitous shots of Batman and Robin’s butts? Random ice-skating scenes? Batgirl? I mean, they didn’t even get Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy right.


5. Epic Movie (or Meet the Spartans, same difference…)
Release Date: January 26, 2007

Opening Weekend Box Office: $18,612,544

In a low-key kind of way, these movies really are some of the worst movies of all time. They’re easy to ignore, which helps, but have you actually seen them? It’s kind of terrifying how shockingly unfunny they are. They spoof scenes from recent movies without coming up with any kind of funny angle on them. They introduce pop culture references not to make a joke, but to simply mention pop culture references. Both movies (along with Date Movie and Disaster Movie) are brainchilds of the writing/directing duo Jason Friedburg and Aaron Seltzer, and you really kind of have to wonder what goes on in their heads and what their conversations are like. On second thought, don’t.


4. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Release Date: May 19, 1999

Opening Weekend Box Office: $64,820,970

What can I say about this one that hasn’t already been said? Jar Jar Binks. Those two embarrassing Asian stereotypes. The kid they cast to play young Anakin. George Lucas’s utter disregard for characters and story in favor of special effects that look cartoonish and have not aged well. The fact that for too many children, this is the first Star Wars movie they’ve seen. Sometimes at night I cry about it a little.


3. Madea Goes to Jail
Release Date: February 20, 2009

Opening Weekend Box Office: $41,030,947

Or, “The Films of Tyler Perry.” Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea’s Family Reunion, Why Did I Get Married, Meet the Browns, and this past weekend’s I Can Do Bad All By Myself also all made it to #1, but Madea Goes to Jail gets the shout-out for the most painful, Ernest-recalling title. Perry writes and directs his films exclusively for an African American middle-aged female audience, a demographic so underserved by Hollywood that they’ll take whatever Perry gives them — even something filled to the brim with stereotypes and painfully unfunny grandmothers played by the director in drag.

Critics don’t have a clue how to deal with him; Roger Ebert gave Diary of a Mad Black Woman one star, saying “I’ve been reviewing movies for a long time, and I can’t think of one that more dramatically shoots itself in the foot.” And even actors are getting tired of the onslaught. Viola Davis, an Oscar nominee for Doubt who appeared in Madea Goes to Jail, told Entertainment Weekly: “People feel the images [in his movies] are very stereotypical, and black people are frustrated because they feel we should be more evolved. But there are very few black images in Hollywood, so black people are going to his movies. That’s the dichotomy.”


2. Paul Blart: Mall Cop
Release Date: January 16, 2009

Opening Weekend Box Office: $31,832,636

What was bizarre about this movie wasn’t that it opened at #1. It’s that it stayed at #1. And then kept doing well for weeks after that.

So what was so good that kept audiences coming and coming to the tune of $146 million? Kevin James doing a pratfall. Over…and over…and over again. Oh, and the gay guy from Wedding Crashers playing an over-the-top bad guy. And those were the redeeming parts (if you could call them that…). The acting sucked, the writing sucked, the story sucked. And whoever it is who helped pump millions of dollars into this piece of sh!t should be ashamed of themselves. (We know you’re out there…)


1. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Release Date: June 24, 2009

Opening Weekend Box Office: $108,966,307

When Revenge of the Fallen opened this summer and subsequently made zillions of dollars, a minor internet war took place between critics (”This is the worst, most headache-inducing thing we’ve ever seen”) and fans (”We just want to see giant robots fighting, not ever movie has to be an Oscar movie LOL PWNED”). I’m about to say something really pompous: I submit that those of you who think you liked it, didn’t actually like it. How is that possible? Well, think back to it. What do you remember? Anything? Did you think it was fun? Do you want to see it again? Be honest.

I saw this movie on my birthday, which just added insult to injury. The hard truth is, Revenge of the Fallen is the worst movie Michael Bay has ever made (and he made Pearl Harbor), and is a loud, nonsensical, abhorrently sexist, blatantly racist vehicle for his worst indulgences: lots of explosions; CGI overkill; incomprehensible action sequences; and vapid barely-dressed female characters played by bad actresses. It’s the worst movie to open at #1.
Абе да спориш с Вивиан за филми е като да ловиш пираня с патката си - нито много риба ще наловиш нито члена ти ще става за нещо след това .... --The Dragon

Напомнете ми да не споря с Вивиан. Лайк евър. -- Muad_Dib

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Post by Samail » Thu Oct 08, 2009 11:42 pm

Бога ми, има къде-къде по малоумни заглавия които са отваряли боксофиса като номер 1 (Скуби Ду, ениуан?) Иначе да, Пол Бларт определено заслужава да бъде там, а пък Норбит имах нещастието да го изгледам, най-лошият филм в живота ми, казвам го с чиста ръка на сърцето.. :evil:

Но Трансформърс и 10 пъти да отварят бокс-офиса със сикуъли и прочие, пак заслужават да са номер 1, дори и само заради Майкъл Бей.
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Post by tigermaster » Fri Oct 09, 2009 1:58 pm

Тези неща може и да са пускани преди, но де да знам... Не знам доколко могат да се водят за спойлери. По-скоро не, струва ми се, но все пак...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsNyiB2J1Gk
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Post by The Dragon » Fri Oct 09, 2009 8:05 pm

Отново Top Gun
Spoiler: show
Image
И най бруталната пародия на Шоушенк

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFNwBA4x7ek
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Post by paju4eto » Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:41 pm

То си е цялото Spoiler
Bum Review: Twilight

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Post by Muad_Dib » Fri Oct 09, 2009 11:03 pm

paju4eto wrote:То си е цялото Spoiler
Bum Review: Twilight
Ахахахахаха ужасно е добро! Изгледайте го цялото, няма такава ебавка с Twilight-a....

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Post by Xellos » Sat Oct 10, 2009 10:28 am

Старичко ма вечно ;)

Еди Изард
US vs English movies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjC3R6jOtUo

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Post by herairness » Sat Oct 10, 2009 3:47 pm

Ебавката с Шоушенк на Драгъна кърти мивки :lol:
Image

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Post by ifadriana » Sat Oct 17, 2009 4:14 pm

herairness wrote:Ебавката с Шоушенк на Драгъна кърти мивки :lol:
+1
VMITW!

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Post by Vivian » Sat Nov 21, 2009 9:55 pm

Абе да спориш с Вивиан за филми е като да ловиш пираня с патката си - нито много риба ще наловиш нито члена ти ще става за нещо след това .... --The Dragon

Напомнете ми да не споря с Вивиан. Лайк евър. -- Muad_Dib

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Post by Surfer » Tue Dec 22, 2009 6:33 pm

Не сме Декарти, Нютони не сме,
за нас науката е тъмен лес
от чудеса.
А сме нормални астрономи - да!
Ловим звезди по тъмни небеса...

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Post by Martix » Tue Jan 05, 2010 12:36 pm

Сигурно сте го гледали вече, но все пак

Twilight - New Moon - A Bum Review
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlcu_ImEKL4
Spoiler: show
"Because i'm dependable, trustworthy and will never leave you..."
"that's a good point. what about you?"
*stares*
"He wins."
На тоя всичките му ревюта заслужават оскар. Идва му отвътре.
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Post by Gunslinger » Tue Jan 05, 2010 9:45 pm

Ето едно клипче на един пич, който постоянно се гаври с филми за комикси.Макар че повечето му неща са си доста конструктивна критика.Пускам само първото ви хареса гледайте и останалите.

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