ShadowDance

Having watched both movies, The Amazing Spider-Mans are not actually about Spider-Man. Peter Parker is not central to the plot.

This is the tale of OsCorp, the wacky little company that either kills its employees, or gives them superpowers (or both), and the results thereafter. So far, the one fellow who's managed to survive the OsCorp Experience (TM) without turning into a COMPLETE asshole is Peter Parker.

So who wants to watch the Amazing OsCorp Trilogy?

I like to think of this movie as a metaphor for the evils of Dubstetp (Electro) and the virtues of alternative music (Spider-Man). In the end alternative music wins because it's inventive and pure and Dubstep is all flash in no substance, but alternative's victory doesn't come without hurting at least some of those you love who only listen to pop (Gwen) and will never understand "good music."

You'd have a better chance of receiving justice from a literal court of kangaroos (and those bastards are vicious).

For the record: Despite the Pompeii movie's tagline, there was plenty of warning, and there was also plenty of time to escape if you took the 48 hours of ash spewing from Vesuvius as, say, a warning of some kind. But yeah, other than that, no warning, no escape."

• Pompeii

Jon Snow and his abs fight a volcano. Spoiler: The volcano wins.

Robots with human faces, humans with blank expressions

It's hard to care about the repetitive, unthrilling action in this movie, and it's also hard to relate to anyone — because the robots are too realistic and the humans are not realistic enough.

I think it's simply that the abstracted jumble of spinning cameras, American flags and CGI noise create a Pollock-esque canvas of nonsense, leaving each audience participant to try and surmise for themselves what they are witnessing on screen.

Some see nothing but robots fighting.

Some see nothing but stilted character interactions.

Some see a bleak grotesquerie of a twelve-year-old's id made manifest.

Some see a series of bright pop-art cake paintings where the frosting is rendered in oil applied with thick sweeps of a palette knife to imply the lusciousness of rich butter cream and meringue.

The movies are basically a Rorschach test as applied through the tenants of the theater of cruelty. It's actually sort of beautiful in it's own civilization-ending way.