ShadowDance

There, Scott is framed for murder, the sensei's daughter is captured, a police station is infiltrated and ninja are fought — all standard ninja operating procedure, at least until the daughter is poisoned and Casey realizes his katana has an antidote hidden inside it because "katana can heal"

Spoiler: show

Spoiler: show

Clearly, according to gritty movies, these are the everyday realities of the average American. After all, who among us hasn't been murdered? Who hasn't had our families killed in front of our eyes at least once? How many of you can honestly say you haven't dabbled in drug-addicted prostitution?

We're talking to you, Chad.

But despite the obvious superiority of gritty reboots, many old shows and movies are still lying around uselessly in stupid non-darkness, waiting for Hollywood to sprinkle them with some harsh, family-killing reality. So we've created some guidelines for any Hollywood producers reading Cracked about how to reboot these classics at their most grittiest.

Our modern, grittified Popeye should be a hardened Navy SEAL who kills a colleague, Bluto, after he mistakes Bluto's bearded face for that of a terrorist. Crushed, SO1 Popeye quits the military in despair. He attempts to heal his wounds and start a new life with his girlfriend Olive Oyl, an enlightened, sexually-liberated stripper. His superiors thank him for his service and wish him good luck in his new life. Or do they?